Celebration of the April Fools
Months after the battles began, the war between the Minifair-Os raged on. The Don kept attacking Jeb, son of a Bush, and drove him off the battlefield. But the Bushkins were not easily defeated, they had perfected the magic of duplicity. As soon as Jeb retreated from the battle field, they stripped him of his armor and gave it to Rubio the Betrayer. Rubio fought vulgarly for a while, but could not see out of the helmet because he was too short. The Don easily defeated him in the battle Florever!
After the fall of Rubio, the Betrayer, there were only two left to oppose the Don. The last of the Bushkins, Kaysick, the Established, was quite weak. His position was similar to the Fair-Os and easily defeated. The other, Ted the Crude, was skillful at the art of deception. He had only survived because he pretended to agree with the good words of the Don.
When the Don said, “Build a wall!”, Ted the Crude said, “No way!” But when he was unable to sleep because of visions of defeat, he echoed the Don: “Build the Wall!”
When the Don refused refugees from other armies, Ted the Crude said, “No way!” But when again he was unable to sleep because of visions of defeat, he echoed the Don: “No refugees!”
When the Don said, “Fair dealing, not free dealing!”, Ted the Crude said “No way!” Even though Ted the Crude had written free dealing on the sacred TPP stone, shockingly he echoed the Don: “Fair dealing, not free dealing!”
Ted the Crude was able to avoid the onslaught of the Bushkins by hiding behind the force of the Don which bore the brunt of the attacks. The Don ignored Ted because Ted was hesitant to attack after seeing the carnage that the Don made of his opponents. Ted the Crude had a sharpened tongue that was hewn by his Tribe who instructed him in the way of the Fair-Os. Ted the Crude cleverly disguised himself from his Tribe as a Minifair-O and by owing allegiance to a foreign land: The Land of Eh. Since he could not fool his Tribe forever, he had recently renounced the Land of Eh to become a Minifair-O.
Unfortunately, when his Tribe saw his deception, they cried out that Ted the Crude could not lead the Minifair-Os! But Ted the Crude used his sharpened tongue to deny the truth. The Great One of the Law, hornswoggled by Ted the Crude came to his support. Together they postponed the attack until a later time when the Fair-O would use it. However, the charade drove The Great One of the Law out of the law and into magicvision, the latest form of sorcery.
Still, the Bushkins plotted. They went out to sea to conspire how to defeat the Don and found new allies. The remnants of the defeated Minifair-Os rallied together as the Neverdons. They had already cast spells against all but Jeb, son of a Bush. Jeb needed no spell, he was already spellbound and easily controlled. All of their sorcery had been successful except for the Don. They could not control him. They especially relished their spells on Ted the Crude. They knew that those who deceive are the easiest to deceive. He was easily destroyed but was too useful to discard yet.
They hatched a new plot. They gave the armor of Jeb, son of a Bush, to Kaysick the Established, because it fit so well (And there were no other Buskins left). He would continue to attack the Don from the Left flank. But they still needed to cast additional spells on Ted the Crude so he would attack the Don from the Right flank. By attacking the Don from both the Left and the Right, they hoped to defeat him. By attrition, the forces of the Don would be outnumbered and with the remaining armies depleted, then they could name Jeb, son of a Bush, as King!
The Newly Crowned Fools of April Bask in their Pomp and Arrogance!
Kaysick, the Established, readily agreed with their plan, there were no spells needed. No need to fool a fool. But the spells cast against Ted the Crude did not last long enough. Like Rubio, the Betrayer, they were too short. The spells had kept Ted the Crude awake at night and caused him to stutter, but he would often have crude flashbacks, that the people would see through. They needed absolute control of Ted the Crude.
Then the least of the sorcerers, The Roven, came up with an idea. His magic was very weak so he had become used to thinking. He said that no spell against Ted the Crude was necessary. He said simply promise him everything and give him nothing. The establishment sorcerers spit up their wine as they guffawed out of control! In unison they shouted, “No one could be that stupid.” The Roven continued, “It has always worked for the voters.” Sputtering, they countered, “But the voters do not use deception in their daily lives, that is why they are easy to deceive. Ted the Crude is a politician and quite adept in manipulating lies. No politician would fall for the lies we tell!” They continued to choke up their spittle laughing at The Roven, least of sorcerers.
As they started pouring more wine, The Roven reminded them: “It worked before with Rubio the Betrayer.” As they realized the truth in what he had said, they began to chortle. Someone said, “He’s not eligible just like Ted the Crude, he may fall for it.” An ally of Kasick the Established said, “It worked with Rubio, the Betrayer, because he was an inexperienced pawn, and it may work with Ted the Crude because he is an inexperienced pawn too!” Finally, they all agreed with The Roven, “Yes, yes, promise Ted the Crude that if he can defeat the Don, that we will name him King of the Minifair-Os! And promise Kasick the Established that if he can defeat the Don, that we will name him Vice-King of the Minifair-Os!”
The Roven continued with his scheme, “Yes, I am sure that we can defeat the Don if we all gang up on him. Then, after his defeat, we will name Jeb, son of a Bush, as King.” He hastened them all to carry out their plot. In order to arm for battle with the Fair-O, the battle must be won by July. Time, like Rubio the Betrayer, is very short (More chortling could be heard, but this time shorter).
An ally of Ted the Crude sent a dispatch to him immediately. Quickly, by return dispatch, Ted the Crude agreed! After all, he relished being King! The ally came back with the news, “He bites, all he wanted was for us to support him during the battle before we name him King!” More wine was poured and the Neverdon allies celebrated! They joked as they spread spells with one another and started to sing:
Tis a fitting day for April Fools!
Tell them they win, while they lose,
Let them battle, while we choose!
Jeb, son of a Bush, danced and spun merrily while he bleated, “That’ll be an exclamation mark for me!”
Pick the April Fools Sequel:
A: The April Fools return Jeb as the King of Minifair-Os and lead US back into Jebtivity.
B: Aided by the Minifair-Os, the victorious Fair-O s keep US in Jebtivity under Mrs. Fair-O.
C: The Don trumps the Bushkins and leads the Minifair-Os against the Fair-Os in November.
Rerun: The Epic Battle of the Magicians!
Epic Battle of Magicians!